It's mornings like this that make me happy to have a clean pair of underwear in my purse.
Watching Argentina vs Germany during a wedding on an iPhone. Thank you Steve Jobs.
He just "revenge puked" on her kid. I think we'll be leaving soon.
It was a sobriety test blowjob. If he could get it up, he could get me home.
If those antibiotics mean you can't drink, ya might as well pack your bags and re-enroll next fall, because sobriety this week would be social suicide.
The two girls sitting next to me are asking siri "Like, uh, how do you know my name?". Do I fuck with them or fuck them?
He let him chew on his fu man chew. The man has the patience of a saint
My tweets this weekend consisted of me telling every bar I went to that they were my favorite valentine. I've never felt like more of an alcoholic
I choose McDonald's breakfast at 1:28am over sex anytime
Young lesbians are the worst. And also what got me through high school, sooooo
i made the walk of shame wearing her booty shorts that said juicy on the back. i'm still counting it as a good night
well i don't NEED my liver but it's nice to have one when you're trying to have a good time
So last night took an interesting turn.. Never thought I'd say I had to pick up my glasses off the floor of a strip club
I'm not sorry for loving America more than everyone else
So what your saying is you dont remember trying to hit a golf ball off my chest with a 9 iron?
Randomize
