I think I've hugged the toilet more times than I've hugged my own family members.
he just kept saying "come on iron man, you can do this!" to himself the whole time..
Just seen a scantily clad pirate with 2 36 packs of natty ice on a bike riding with no hands. If she doesn't hit a speed bump she's golden and should be on the next Americas got talent.
I got a phone call from security asking me to do my laundry wearing more than a blanket next time.
She ditched her BF in the library to come see me wasted at a house party and i still ended up banging that rugby chick instead.
Dude he's the best wing man ever. He starts creepin' on a woman, and she clings on to you out of fear.
the girl peeing in the stall next to mine has really cute shoes. on a scale of 1 to restraining order, how weird would it be to compliment them from in here?
Serious question: Should I volunteer to get tazered? My instincts say no but my wild side says yes.
So the bartender tried kicking me out but i screamed im an RA you cant kick me out
I'm curious as to what my outfit choices drunk me made for this weekend.
Also send boobie pics with bobs burgers in background its the only way to get me off anymore
They need to eat meat, go down on me the first time, every time, and know how to pull my hair. And there's a height requirement for this ride
I wanna get to the point where I can just send a question mark and get an exclamation point in response
I don't know..He walked out of your room with a kraft single..and blood on his shirt...He really wanted cheese.
How did I get home last night?
We put your keys on a lanyard that asked anyone that found you to bring you home. A nice man in a cape, green shorts and a mesh shirt dropped you off this morning.
Oh. Yeah. Riiiggghhht
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