She smells like mac and cheese, right after you add the cheese. It's strangely erotic.
just opened a can of spagetti o's with a butter knife. the things u will do for food when ur stoned.
He was supposed to take me to a nice dinner, but istead all he did was get drunk and throw lit fireworks at me.
Now he's lighting his socks on fire
Take this only to mean that we love you, but we're having a serious, half-hour, hypothetical discussion about how far we think we could throw you.
new years resolution, not be in jail at midnight for 3rd year in a row.
Woke up with two cats staring at me. One covered in puke thats giving me a look that says it might be my fault. Where am I? Come get me.
All three women i have fucked in the past week are here in the same bar. Gameface, go.
Gonna go for any of them?
Thursday night girl, but friday is watching and tuesday is serving us.
Definitely just put my car on cruise control so I could stick my head out of the sunroof while driving to taco bell.
I'll have my TA grade the tests, she needs something to do anyway. Wanna race to the bar on segways?
I need to pack up my vagina and leave. We only do bad things together.
Apparently I blacked out and started wrestling with some dude last night. Just found out I might have dislocated his shoulder. Best part: he still wants to bone me
He really only has clothes, like 4 boogie boards, and a bong here.
YOU HAVE PISSED AND FUCKED ON LITERALLY EVERYTHING IN MY HOUSE
Not everything, just a few things. And only a few times. The odds are really not all that bad when you break it down.
you’ve pissed every time you slept over. there’s no such thing as odds anymore. it’s guaranteed
Yeah, I've hit on priests at bars, too. Such a shame, there are a lot of hot men out there who've devoted themselves and their glorious genitalia to the Lord -_-
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