I now officially know the distance between my two boobs is one twizzler.
Leaving the dealer's house. He just gave me a sincere hug and said good luck. This cant end well.
It's not every day you get to see a girl fuck herself with a pickle.
oh no, im for sure still drunk. i wana eat evrything in the fancy feast commercial... everything
She started to rub her ass on my shoulder and i instantly thought "i am going to get E. Coli"
way to not show up for Habitat for Humanity, real classy...
I saved lives by not driving this morning
This morning is cloudy with a high chance of vomiting all over the dentist. Stay tuned for further updates.
Yeah. I had to take off my shirt. It's soaked in weakness.
Apparently she has a 10 week old kid, which would explain the hallway effect I was feeling.
I like that you're Jewish, because you can rail me on Christmas Eve and it won't be weird.
can't believe I traded a good night's sleep and a midterm for your blurry tits
Also I played a weird game of chicken in the ladies room at work between myself the person pooping 2 stalls over and a very determined maintenance man.
Mmhmmm. I have a list of drunk achievement that is almost as long as my list of stoned achievements
As I came the Sportcenter app played that "dah nuh nuh" chime. Top ten life highlight?
I just wanted to be the best at what I did even if that included sexing a whole fraternity or sorority ya know?
Randomize
