she made me cover her fishbowl with my shirt because she "didn't want to corrupt it."
the crazy preacher outside Willard just began a monologue that began with "when i look at a vagina." We should stop by there more often
You realize at the bar last night we blew on imaginary whistles like rose from titanic right?
i just found this napkin with your number on it in my jacket pocket. it reads amy, drawing of a wine bottle and a house
almost got into it with the cashier. bitch dont look at me like that just cuz im only buying wine and icing. ill fight.
Triple a is towing cars for free tonight and tomorrow night. Can we take advantage of this ?
You stuck a chicken finger in that stripper's clevage and said "Keep this warm for me.
Be there soon... with munchies, blow jobs and shoulder rubs.
Fairly certain I cracked a rib. Masturbation is not for the weak. I die now.
Impressive. I've never gotten straight denied and then chased the guy naked out of my own apt. I'll remember that next time.
So I'm just casually at the grocery store when I remember that there's still a clove of garlic in my vagina
So I crawled off the trampoline to puke in the neighbors yard. Wonderful house guest right here
We are best friends because we can vomit simultaneously in the same toilet and not care
when they cut me off i played the entire Justin Bieber playlist and left for another bar that didn't think i'd had enough to drink
Longest 30 seconds of my life
10/10 so not recommended
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