Btw I've read that book you bought me...And I'm such a bitch now
But I don't think guys love me
So how was he last night?
Five-minute foot-long.
you kept yelling at her to "show me your genitals" until the bouncers told us to leave...at which point you showed them YOUR genitals...
please don't ever take me to a strip club again...
I woke up this morning and saw that I had transferred $0.75 from my savings account to my checking account.
Reason #1 for no sex outdoors: Mosquito bites. Awkward, awkward mosquito bites.
She told me to act like the hulk during sex. Shit got 9 different shades of weird
I broke the girls bed. I will not apologize about bragging.
I may wear a condom to jerk-off tomorrow knowing that my hand has touched surfaces in this bar.
What I thought was my travel sanitizer was actually my travel lube. Most awkward transit ride of all time!
I woke up with chocolate melted between my tits. I'd say that's a win for all parties involved.
She throws back shots like they are NO-THING. I swear, she goes through like five straight tequila shots, does a jello shot, chases with half a hot dog, has a rum and coke, and then takes her shirt off and makes an impromptu bandage out of it for fuckin' Tim who cut himself on the flagpole. I'm going to marry her.
The cat ate a weed mint. This is not a drill
I just realized that Margarita Wednesdays are so much better now when followed by No Work Thursdays.
He listens to me complain and in return I send him naked pictures. It's a win win situation
I swear it’s like he’s filling my soul via my vagina
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