i just noticed 4 flies in my red wine. i drank them.
The night ended with a lot of tears and everyone singing along to Willenium
you convinced me to pee myself because I was wearing dark jeans.
he is the anna nicole to my 90 year-old billionaire. i'm grateful that he's fucking me, so i'm buying him shit.
i was surprised by the severity of his small dick condition
And then I asked the bartender for my third shot and he told me he had to cut me off at two because this was in fact a family fun center
You told her to step on the scale because you had whiskey goggles, and scales don't lie.
After we drank 3, we built a raft out of the empties and installed the fourth submerged In the water to keep it cool. Keg boats are now a thing
No seriously, I don't care if you just sucked God's dick. I have had a better Fat Tuesday than you
I tried to break it off with the married one. He offered to pay off my car.
The side bitch struggle is real.
I can't hang out tomorrow. A boy wants to feed me ice cream and touch my boobs. Priorities.
Usually it's tequila, or vodka. But today was just the devil
Btw, how did you break into my room, and why did you decide that covering the mushrooms with a blanket was more secure than a lock on my door?
The guy I slept with in AZ just called and is moving here next week.
Congratulations! We have a period
Randomize
