Hurry up I might actually study if I am left alone
They just sang me a song about how small my dick is in front of the whole bar
I just banged two guys while dressed like an angel. I love this holiday.
After Thursday my breakup "don't screw anybody out of respect" month will be over and I will be set loose. My pussy is purring with anticipation.
i'm too drunk to leave my room. poked my head out like a turtle and everyone knew i wasn't sober. i like it better in my nonjudgmental turtle shell anyway.
She just texted me that she's horny, then started quoted random music, then telling me everything she regrets. I don't think there's enough tequila in the world for me to deal with her...
i think she just faxed a picture of her vag from the office copy machine... i mean what kind of sexting is that... wait is that even legal???
I'm sure we could go all project runway on our diapers and create some flattering absorbent thongs. We could do it on the Boat. Call it project rumway.
He literally said I should watch game of thrones while I was blowing him like is this the conversation you want to be having right now
The dog just shocked himself by peeing on Christmas lights, should I have saw that coming?
I want my tombstone to read "making poor life decisions since 1993"
So I've reached a new low. After completing my walk of shame and being told "see you around", I took off my heels to discover he had came in my shoe.
How drunk you think somebody has to be, that they think that putting out a profile pic like that can be even a slightly good idea?
on a campus of 30,000 people, i should not be able to see every single guy I've ever hooked up with at one party.
I ended up sleeping with him in a public bathroom because neither of us remembered where we lived. I have hit a new low.
Randomize
