I have to get up uber early tomorrow. Which is why I started drinking early today
just apologized to a random stranger while waiting in line for coffee. last night was that drunk
remind me to tell you what i found stuck to me this morning
i was so drunk that there were 2 of her, and i didn't know which one to fuck
I just noticed my teeth are no longer straight. Wondering if anyone had an explanation.
stuck in traffic next to occupy boston. smells like patchouli and unshaven pubes
She left her panties here. They looked SOOO much smaller last night.
No. You're getting a Viking funeral and I'm pawning your shit.
I feel like the first time i have to use my accident insurance its going to be in some sex mishap with you.
I can get something to clone your cock for $40. It's worth it. It's my birthday present to myself.
OMG I CAN GET A GLOW-IN-THE-DARK ONE
Just got thrown out of the club for making condom water balloons. I'm not ashamed.
sooo, that video of you eating lasangna with the strobe going magically reappeared on my phone
Like sorry your dick won’t suck itself?
Got baked and laid and ate baked lays when I laid down while baking the brownies I I’m Superman
You’re still high, aren’t you?
Oh yeah
This date is awful. He’s too boring to bang
Is porn accurate? Can I order a pizza and do the delivery boy?
Randomize
