btw i have an angry voicemail of you yelling at me to get you a sandwich or die.
So his "youporn" cam totally caught me stealing quesadilla leftovers.
A guy with no shirt on and a eyepatch just got out of the car beside me. After he slammed his door into mine. This is our hometown.
he's drinking beer at home in his underwear tonight and if you want to come over the dresscode is underwear only. And you have to bring beer.
Her roommate texted her and told her that her cat died. Now she's double-fisting bottles of wine while howling and wailing her dead cat's name. Not how I pictured this booty call.
But don't worry I didn't actually get stitches, although according to the health center I probably should have
That reminds me of that one time you handcuffed me to a table leg while I was reaching for the vodka.
Is cereal technically a soup?
Fuck, I'm high.
I have a fever. Last thing I need to do tonight is be elbow deep in old lady pussy.
The staples of my diet are Labatt Blue, Xanax, and brick cheese.
I should have never moved out...
How is there no taco emoji?! That's some bullshit.
Did I try to sell your body for chicken tenders last night?
I just sent a dick pic to a number on Craigslist, this may be my new low
One of these days I would like to go out drinking and stick to plan of just getting drunk and not be sidetracked with other people's plans of doing drugs along the way. I didn't even want to not feel my teeth tonight but here we go just another Thursday night when you live I live
then he said the sex was mediocre and that it was because of me. and that we could try again tomorrow.
it was 100% mediocre because of him, and we will 100% not be trying again tomorrow.
Randomize
