watching jon and kate + 8 right now is like watching my parents split up
Had to use Google translator to be able to tell the cleaning lady not to throw away the condoms we have strategically placed throughout the house.
my life is in even more shambles than last time, mcdonalds is closed
Dude they have ski ball. Anywhere that has skiball is bound to be bangin.
Did your dad mention the fact that you asked him for viagra at 2 in the morning?
1. They have gold fish races every wednesday. 2. They have a redbull vodka slushie. We need to visit this place.
1. My fish will beat your fish. 2. Were getting fucked up
she bonged a coffee cause she was hungover. then she bonged a beer cause she got ambitious. then she barfed. then she had to start over again.
She's currently celebrating her completion of "Sober October" with "Margarita Shit-Show November."
I was masturbating in my bed this morning when my ipod alarm went off and it started playing "show me the meaning of being lonely"
No really tho I'm wearing a chucky cheese shirt and yoga pants. If that doesn't scream no sex idk what does
It was like getting a handjob from a frost giant
I'm super stoned watching the vatican smoke cam. Come over.
Just ate an entire BBQ chicken pizza this better go to my tits
The night's not a success unless at least 60% of participants wake up with bite marks on their genitals the next morning.
I don't know what kind of parties you go to, but we should hang out more often.
i need you to come over and tell me if you can notice that i'm only wearing a teddy underneath my trenchcoat
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