mom just said that her bf is good in bed. fml.
i am watching a movie about a vagina with teeth and then you sent that to me while im eating sushi.
oh vodka. i could write you a sonnet.
Either these are mashed potatoes in my pants, or I was drunker than I thought.
My landlord wasn't pleased about the new fire pit we built him.
Good news.. I found out what I did Saturday night. Bad news... I found out what I did Saturday night.
I should probably file for unemployment. Sometime between last night and 4 AM I facebooked my manager the lyrics to hoe by ludacris. I'm just projecting ahead here.
karaoke mosh pit has descended into fisticuffs, send backup
Her idea of kinky involved a tazer
wtf?
I'm going back tonight
You had your dick do your apologizing for you last night. Apology accepted.
After your flask fell out of your leg brace and you told your RA that it was juice, you tried to unlock your dorm room but your key was attached to your bra so he ended up seeing your boobs
COOKIE DOUGH CUPCAKES ARE A THING
Did you really just send me a blank text in response to news as awesome as that?
its 2pm. u awake yet?
ill text u back later. still peeling fingernail polish off my face.
your girlfriend showed us your homemade porn last night.
Lets get drunk. But not too drunk that I can't work in the morning. But maybe drunk enough so we'll make out
I told you that we shouldn't have sex. You said "its okay I already saw you pee" apparently that was convincing
Randomize
