I swear to god Optimus Prime and Megatron are fighting in my head right now.
Can we progress our friendship to a point where i'm at least granted a blowjob allowance?
my mom just poured a water bottle of wine to take my dog on a walk...
JAMES WASHOMGTON STATE ATTACKED US
WE'RE FYCKED UL HARDCORW
THE REISLING ATRACEX US
I actually enjoy jerking off to her facebook more than I enjoy actually fucking her. Just something with our generation
He says I tipped the waitress ten dollars because she "smelled like pigs in a blanket."
is it possible that there's a used condom holding pennies in my bra? I'm so confused on what happened last night...
Whoever decided to wrap my shins in duck tape owes me new leg hair.
Slept in my car last night. It snowed. I peed on the street. Hello 29...
That awkward moment when the dude you blew on camera in college friend requests you on Facebook.
Who is this?!????
That awkward moment when you think you're texting a friend the above statement, but instead you text a stranger.
My gut feeling that we had reached a new level of intimacy last night was confirmed early this morning when you sleep farted on penis.
I never actually go in the club. I get in line, hit on a chick, and convince her to come drink all she wants for free at my house.
Currently putting together my outfit for this weekend, AKA a poster board that says "I'll cook you breakfast and do all your laundry, take me home." On front and back
Made out with some dude at the bar last night. Was fun until he thought bohemian rhapsody was by The Who
We were supposed to have sex but we had smoked so much neither of us wanted to move.
Randomize
