need another drink. this is the easiest way
So you know how craigslist used to have an "erotica" section? And how after you click on a link it changes a darker color? And how Dad stays up really late most nights?
Oh god... well at least he's gettin some. Mom's a prude.
Pizza is the life boat of my drunk Titanic
does anyone know how to get red sharpie out of a white cat?
If for any reason you were wondering if i was going to vomit at the airport today, the answer is yes.
Its official. 'Jingle Bell Rock' gives me a boner. Thank you Lindsay Lohan & Rachel McAdams.
Because it is about to snow, I sent him for Diet Coke and cigarettes. It's the gay version of milk and bread.
I think the taxi driver just requested me on facebook..... his name was george right?
like he couldn't stop by and throw me in the back seat and ask for a blowjob? he had to give me flowers?
All I want is to send a text that says "i slept with someone while wearing nothing but purple argyle socks this weekend." But the only person i would send that to is you. But you already know. Because they were your socks.
Well. Now I feel like I put pants on for nothing.
I think it's time to give up this life and become vikings. You in?
Im wearing black today mourning the orgasm i couldn't get this morning :(
Where is the baby squirrel I found last night?! I've looked all morning I can't find Morris anywhere did someone take him?? ðŸ˜ðŸ˜
Honey, I kept trying to tell you it was just a pine cone.
Dude. That's like masturbating until the point that you're going to climax, then stopping, waiting for a few seconds and then starting all over. While that does lead to an altogether more powerful orgasm, it's still annoying as hell until you get there.
I was not expecting that analogy.
No one ever expects that analogy.
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