My Blind Date Arrived. She looks like something I'd draw with my left hand.
Before he took my jeans off all he said was "no hard feelings from middle school right?"
I opened my browser to a doctor page titled "serious pain under left side of ribcage". Last night must have been healthy.
I am intoxicated and cannot bring you a burrito. However, if you want to bring ME one...
thought i was the most hungover person in class until i saw a kid puke into his bookbag...he wins
Wow. He pulled out his dick and I swear I heard a thud from it hitting the floor.
according to the random from alabama i slept with last night i kept saying "poor lil tink tink" over and over in my sleep
there seems to be a considerable amount of hair missing from my left hand. i may have lit it on fire again
The next time i black out make sure i remove the ping pong balls from my weave. Especially before my first day of classes.
I told him that he was essentially a very life-like dildo with a person attached so he needed to stop having feelings because it was getting annoying. He agreed.
Your grammar in that last text message was so awful.. My vagina wants to go crawl in a hole, and never speak to you again.
Munching saltines, sippin Gatorade, and trying not to get eaten by this small horse
Went to put my shoe on and asked myself why I left a sock in it. I didn't. Needless to say I found our used condom.
i can do like, 15 pushups. 20 if i listen to dubstep.
A guy I hooked up with YEARS ago just endorsed me on LinkedIn for "customer service".
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