Any day that starts with a call from my ex-bf... crying... is a good day.
Last night when I was hammered I set a reminder to tell you that your boobs are my favorite ones in the world, so this is me giving you that message.
Yes, I am watching The Hills Have Thighs. And yes it is a porno remake of The Hills Have Eyes. And, again, yes, lesbian sex in the desert. Get the sand out.
I'm just trying to jam my tits into some coconuts and I'll be on my way
He did not want a thank you for helping me move in bj. I don't know how to thank him now.
The liquor store was handing out free shots of some new expensive vodka, but they caught on the fourth time we came back in different outfits. Politics.
I'm at the bar alone. Is this how you feel?
I'm throwing in the towel on today. The puke gods have won this war
You motherfucker. I just had an MRI with a penny under my boob.
I asked him if he wanted a pillow, and he replied "No. Batman never had pillows."
I just tried to pay for a coffee with a dollar and a necco wafer.
Well I smoked some weird shit and I think I peed on my phone.
Only you could go on vacation to visit family and hook up with a pro NFL player from Tinder
I would wear his ballsack as a hat if he asked me to
I wish he’d realize all I want is dick. He’s my boytoy. He’s a stunt cock. \n\nCome over, fuck me silly, eat some leftovers, fuck me again, then go back to the frat house
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