This guy in church just had a prayer request to help him get through his hangover. He is my new hero.
Just assessed the damage in the bath. Two love bites. One bruise on the inner thigh. Strange awareness of what i'm assuming is my cervix. I've definitely missed you. x
OMG. if college stays like this, theres no way i wont be pregnant by first semester
i can't sleep with him. he has a scrapbook from the girl he lost his virginity to.
Your two fuck buddies playing ping pong together. HOW. ADORABLE!
Hey I think I found part of your tooth next to your wine bottle in the floor board of my car.
That's actually a fantastic idea... The kinky sex dungeon will be vastly improved by the addition of a lightsaber
I'm just sayin. If your gonna cheat go for someone TOTALLY different. Fucking her twin would be a waste.
Ever the responsible adult, I just realized that today is the Obamacare deadline, but I'm too high to handle insurance now.
Weird, Jen didn't know mixers were solely for coloring purposes. Don't call me an alcoholic because you're uneducated
HELL YEAH TIME TO KICK THE CHILDREN
I just met a stripper in the light of day who I ate a candy bikini off her body. This is how my weekend is going.
Trump won PA by a fucking landslide. If only Cruz hadn't eaten that booger.
Just realized that I bailed on you guys yesterday just so I could get wendy's. it was worth it but still, sorry
I think drunk me saved him in my phone as "beautiful man" to play a joke on sober me
Randomize
