but why does your life always sound like the plot of a porn?
finding my wedding ring encrusted in vomit this morning really just topped off last night...
Did you wake up with "jello shots" stamped on your hand too?
ok, she started talking about how she swears her step dad killed her mom. starting to back out of this one
I'm sick of being broke. I had vicodin and frosting for lunch.
not my fault hes the one that tried to cuddle after. said he wanted to spoon away the shame.
She fuckin peed on me
Stay golden ponyboy
He took shrooms and didn't want anyone to touch him. He kept saying he was a chip and he didn't want to break.
He looks like a fat version of lurch from the adams family and smells like fritos. This is not the caliber man I want pleasuring himself to the thought of me!
I'm not worried. All I have to do is not be the drunkest painter at 8:00. Golden.
I honestly think she should have her own reality show called "Lowering the Bar" and it consists of a camera crew following her from Bar to bar hooking up with unsuspecting drunk attractive men.
It's probably not healthy how legit bummed I am that my bottled of wine is gone.
I woke up with chocolate melted between my tits. I'd say that's a win for all parties involved.
Look I'm really high right now, and if I were to leave this house, it would be for the sole purpose of getting an ice cream sandwich. So can you please just do it.
He got up after sex and said "is it wrong if I say happy Mother's Day?"
Randomize
