Dude, this chick just tossed my salad hard. All that I could picture was a dog trying to get the last of the peanut butter out of the jar of Jiff and trying not to think of how grotesque my last dump was.
Then she tried to kiss me and I wouldn't and she got pissed off and went to sleep. Then about an hour later, her kid called her. She went home and on the way out I told her to wash her mouth before she kissed her kid good night. Weird night..
Anddd after the worst sex of my life, he said.."do you mind taking off the condom, tying it up, and throwing it at the door?" Weird.
The old woman next to me on the el smells like cupcakes...but she doesn't taste like cupcakes
At least you didnt end up topless in a Tina Turner wig singing cabaret tunes
Got drunk. Then they sung "we didnt start the fire" to my other cousin who accidentally burnt down the house when she was younger.
Nothing like all your friends getting engaged to remind you how much fun sleeping around is.
It's sad the highlight of the night was you didn't electrocute yourself again.
I can't see straight with both eyes and ive only been at the bar for an hour. Someone else typed this for me.
HOW DID YOU GET DEPORTED FROM THE BAHAMAS
I don't want anything to do with the Darth Vader stripper babe. I'm just trying to make dreams come true.
Then he claimed me as his prize for 3rd place in a wing eating contest. Too romantic.
They were arguing about who would hit the piñata first so naturally you tore it open with your hands. You broke the piñata and their hearts.
Fucking suck it up and drink your feelings like a normal human being.
the people in front of me have a grocery cart in their car... i missed college...
Fuck. Totally just had sex instead of studying for econ test in an hour. Gonna get fucked again. HELP ME WITH YOUR EXTENSIVE KNOWLEDGE OF ECON
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