If you could channel this insane talent for stalking you'd be a great weapon for this country. If you had a crush on Bin Ladin, guaranteed he'd be found, monitered and tagged within five days.
I seriously can't date anymore I forgot how to hide my crazy
the people of mcdonalds are all starring at me & this dude like they know we just slept together
the first call I got in the morning was from visa fraud prevention so yeah it was one of those nights
Just puked in the monkey exhibit at the zoo. They ate it. I don't want a pet monkey anymore.
He turned me down because he was still doing his taxes.
I have my ice chest next to my bed. Instead of breakfast in bed, its beers in bed. 10x better
Chick last night said she only gets off if she rubs her childhood blanket her parents gave her during sex
Some guy just rode an office chair down my street, I hope he comes back so I can give him my number.
How do I know if porn I have watched is haunted?
Just saw a dude walk out of the parking. Garage in a diaper and tutu. He had a handle in one hand and a toy bow in the other
LOL its 11 am
I'm seriously considering refraining from drinking on school nights.
I like how you say that with 4 school days left of the school year..
i had to win in rock paper scissors, get called a fat whore, and make two dudes get in a fight so we could call next game on the table and you make zero cups. thanks asshole.
Ok, you agree to the terms? We can have sex, but this doesn't mean we're back together...it just means we're working on things. Got it? Sign here.
My parents are coming to visit the 28th. How bad is it that I put a reminder in my phone to "hide sex toys"?
Randomize
