i just smoke outta the biggest bowl i've ever seen. the kid was totally compensating for a tiny weeenie.
I may be a little high but I'm pretty sure my alphabet soup has only Os in it
We call that spaghetti Os
you might want to delete the history when you're done using the computer at work. did you ever find out what the white balls in your throat were?
May or may not have just drunkenly opened my christmas presents. Greatly disappointed. Might break up sooner.
Clearly he doesn't understand my need to be surrounded by cats at all times
On a scale of one to everyone dying I say let's aim for a 7
She's using our floating beer pong table as an air mattress to sleep on.
I am literally sitting here with a jar of Nutella and a spoon, reading an article called "never drink alone again because now there's wine for cats." How single am I?
I was just wicked nice to a telemarketer... that's how stoned this woman got me.
the texts you sent will act as the rosetta stone for all drunk people
Turns out I screen transfered my streaming trucker restroom porn vid to the downstairs neighbors'TV instead of my own, damn you chromecast
Dear sober self, your keys are on the table in front of you the only way your typing this is with autocorrect goodnight love you
I want to be her friend more than I want to fuck her boyfriend.
Stranded. In bathroom stall. No toilet paper. I repeat NO TOILET PAPER! Assistance needed asap. GO! GO! GO!
God gave you your own nipples for a reason.
Randomize
