sometimes i wish i was able to text my cat and tell him i miss him and that i'm thinking about him
After I talked about my ex for about twenty minutes, she just listened, sluts are so understanding
We each get one free throw up cleaning, no questions asked.
How do I say to her "Have you eaten mango lately because my penis had an allergic reaction"
There's a skull full of vodka. How bad can it be?
A French guy bit my cheek. Is that sexy there? Also had to threaten to stab the bus driver. I'm not sure I like Europe.
I don't even know man. I was to busy having beer showered on me and grabbing some balls
i just wrote an ode to an enchilada dorito. i'll need that pregnancy test now please.
I stole all of the toasting champagne and did an interpretive dance to "wind beneath my wings". I am literally everything you're not supposed to do at weddings.
But your showmanship is impeccable.
If I had feelings, you would have hurt them.
I'm gonna write a book. Almost Awesome: all the times I ALMOST got laid.
Ok. As long as I can keep Kevin contained to the room I'll be ok. If not u might have a naked puking Kevin at ur door
I'm pretty sure I regained my virginity last night
It's become almost a Pavlovian response. The sound of the vacuum being run by hubby causes an instantaneous involuntary orgasm.
So what's it like to be pregnant?
It feels like I'm hungover and when I was drunk I was kicked off a mechanical bull and then trampled.
Randomize
