As soon as he lost the election, the reception's open bar became a cash bar. I have never been so disappointed in my countrymen.
My philosophy professor just told the class that he is suspicious of dolphins. The stoner in front of me totally gets it. I need to start getting high for this class.
Yo, I can't just ask my mom where she relocated my vibrator to, can I?
I was just asked if I wanted to struggle snuggle. She's a keeper
I'm gonna buy my dress an hour before wedding. You know, just to make sure it's gonna really happen.
T'would be a shame to waste that open bar though. They shouldn't do that to us. We've been having to pretend we're happy for two people who got engaged a week after they met.
just remember the most important rule of taking psychedelics: monsters can't get through blankets
It's seriously like a finger. But it's a cock. I don't know what to do. I feel like I fuck him to be polite.
My walk of shame wasn't complete until I projectile vomited clutching my truck bumper while he just smiled with that look of regret.
That's right. I just LL Cool J'ed you up in this bitch. Zero fucks.
sometime during the night he found me in the empty hotttub singing marvins room in only my bra.
Okay first of all fuck you and everything you stand for because Taco Bell is amazing.
He showed up soaking wet with a flashlight and a ping pong ball. I couldn't say no
Well we've always known you have a weakness for guys with balls in their hands
you were trying to drink the laundry detergent and yelling blue drankkkkk
I got a 93 percent on my last mid term and I was drunk. Think of the possibilities if i were sober for the one thats tommorrow.
Bold words for someone NOT on a unicycle
Randomize
