At the Phils game. My gay buddy just wanted up to a bunch of Mets fans and said "I'm gay, and even I think Mets fans are a bunch of fags." I love this fuckin town.
those are such fre$h shoes
going to ignore the use of the word "fresh" in a sentence that isnt related to produce and/or other food stuffs and especially the part where you replaced an "s" with a dollar sign
you have to give me like a days notice for these kinds of things, you cant just call at 9 am and expect me to be sober
So they're giving me a CT scan because I probably have a hernia. From getting a BJ from you. Really. This may be a pivotal moment in my decision to write a book about my life
just put an icicle in the bong. best/worst idea ever. i think i can taste global warming right now.
You just begged me to mute the porn and watch her ass bounce while listening to dubstep the whole time.
I performed "get broken glass out of my shoulder" surgery last night... Drunk, with a what-a-burger straw.
He came into your room last night to tell me he was leaving, when I woke up this morning he was facedown in your hallway. He didn't make it very far.
I found your wallet in my underwear drawer......... Don't worry I don't plan on asking any questions
If my mom's not going to offer me drugs then it's really pointless for me to be here.
I needed to bring way more fireball to class to match this professors intensity
Probably gonna run and pray I throw up. Then go get a coffee/bagel & continue to rally
So hungover and decided to eat a burrito and a pot brownie for dinner, this is what adulthood looks like.
Talked a police officer into driving us the 1/2 mile home from the bars because we didn't want to walk. I never knew the back of cop Cars had plastic seats.
So there i was right, midnight, washing my junk off in my bathroom sink.
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