My lawyer watched my DUI video. Said of the thousand or so he's seen, mine was one of the top ten best.
i an so hammered right now. I'm about to pass out but i just found the lion king dvd and i'm so happy words don't even describe.
I'm gonna name my first kid mufasa regardless if It's a boy or girl
Guy at red light looking at porn. I'm waiting for him to look over at me so I can shake my head and he can feel bad
Just made everyone at my party download the vuvuzela app for iPhone, the neighbors absolutely HATE us
You totally left a blue butt print on our banister
Well I think we can all agree that that's better than then bowl of puke I left last time.
she was pretty happy for someone in the middle of a herpes outbreak, how was i supposed to know?
he threw my burrito on the ground and said im too drunk. fuck that guy.
It's like, "you literally have no idea who i am but i definitely slept with your brother in your bed."
If waking up at 6 50 pm every day and getting invited to go have sex as you wake up is what alcoholism is like I can get use to this.
I think he knows I took a picture of him. Why I don't get punched in the face more often is anyone's guess.
Let’s try it, I’ve never had a bad time with sex, tacos and beer.
Uh oh. Put down the vodka cancel the clowns and get rid of the donkey
Remember that one time you told the bartender he was fuckable? Well, he's here.
not only did he puke in his mouth and hold it.. He also sneezed while doing this
This is the most exciting thing since movie theater hand jobs
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