Someone should tell Glenda that I only hang with her because she makes me look prettier.
We fucked twice, I went to the bathroom to freshen up, and came back to him playing "Your Body is A Wonderland" on his guitar naked in my bed.
then he asked me if i wanted to "handle his wingman"
Hes laying on the floorn in the bathroom telling Jesus to raise the flag
It's been 5 months since I last wore a condom.
Not including when spray tanning
Would it be safe to assume you're the one that left my front door wide open and left yourself a trail of jaeger drops to find your way back?
the campus cop used the word depravity in our citation.
I tried to discuss modern art with a cab driver after explaining that I only had one shoe on b/c a pitbull ate the other one. Wtf. Call me when you can.
My hair is crimped, I am walking with a roadie, and my vibrator is in my purse. I feel sorry for tomorrow.
All I want is to send a text that says "i slept with someone while wearing nothing but purple argyle socks this weekend." But the only person i would send that to is you. But you already know. Because they were your socks.
Who ever is in the stall next to me is crying and it sounds like they're doing massive amounts of blow too. Finals for your ass huh.
By the way, anytime you want to go toe to toe on Doggystyle lyrics just let me know!
Who is this? Did we just become best friends?!
Also I told several people at the bar last night that my dad the alligator wrestler died wrestling an alligator. So if anyone asks that's real.
Is it appropriate to send an apology gift to his roommates for breaking the bathroom sink during crazy sex?
I finally selected an outfit that says "I'm not easy" but still shows off the tittays.
Randomize