Dude, I just spun my iPhone on my boner without it falling off. I belong in cirque du soleil.
lets be honest. she's not NEARLY as much fun to fb creep since she got out of rehab...
i had to get the starbucks manager to open the bathroom door for me...you passed out on the floor, the things i do for you
There's just something about sucking a flaccid dick that makes me feel so calm. Like a baby cow..
I cannot even. Taco bell reception. Beers. New friends from Georgia.
Hey, who is this? Sorry, you're in my phone as "you better remember".
Gold rum. Strong marijuana. Jabba the Hut in stilettos. Deep thigh bruise. Yes, thal all happened. Sorry dude.
Got head at the top of a water slide over-looking the valley while wearing a sombrero and drinking a corona. Epic.
40s are totally the cure
I reek of vagina.. My cab driver commented.
We had sex on the playground and then walked around his neighborhood grading houses based on their Christmas decorations
Hi I'm on my way to give you multiple screaming orgasms and Easter candy
At one point I was counting his nipple hairs to calm myself down.
But I thought it was so funny last night
You also thought you were a gypsy mermaid last night
On a scale of 1 to i should hide, how deep did i dig my grave?
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