ha. weirdest feeling ever. just wiped my ass with my non-dominant hand. (eating cheeseburger with right one)
Your grandmother is in heaven weeping.
is it bad that while shopping i looked specifically for clothes that hold their form after taking them off and putting them on again and again?
i ate 2 chicken nuggets and puked out 5. that doesn't even make mathematical sense
They let you pick the name that they announce for you at graduation. The professional world needs to prepare itself for papa smurf mcdonald.
I need to shower. I still have paint on me from the homeless guys
I was unaware that a tutu and pasties was appropriate attire to this
The gym is handing out free condoms this week, motivation to work out this week?
She said to bring taco sauce. Hoping that's a euphemism.
We stayed up until 4:20 AM. The next thing I remember was waking up at 4 PM, like my internal alarm clock knew.
I just want to hug my vagina but I can't!\nLike, I want to wrap my arms around it and say "I'm sorry"
I just crawled out of bed at 5AM to make her a peanut butter and Nutella sandwich. Somewhere in the distance, I could hear whips cracking.
I woke up to you singing What Makes You Beautiful and trying to blend an avocado with vodka.
also, made a drinking game out of my birthday photos....drink everytime alcohol is in a photo. going through all 350 of them.
His mom let me come to his house for a Booty call at 4am. She even cooked us breakfast in the morning and told me im a better moaner than his girlfriend of 4yrs.
I'm fucking my way through California and it's kind of fun.
Randomize
