dude. how can brian from family drink at fucking bars? he's a dog and definitaly doesn't have pockets.
A relator touring our house this week saw the picture in our bathroom of steven passed out, yellow faced, with BALLS on his forehead, and had to ask "if that kid was alive or dead".
I was in the bathroom puking up mountains of tequila and when he came to help me, I held the door shut and kept yelling at him to let me be a lady.
Remember when we had a keg, and then another 5 cases... and like 30 people drank it all?
Everything hurts.
The word cocktail makes me want to rip my liver out and nail it to a cross.
She asked if I wanted to "Mormon Motorboat" her, which I guess is just motor-boating her through her cloths. Turns out I did.
Romney sounds like a middle school girl and that creepy ass smile makes me want to close my blinds
Just found out my rents have been paying my siblings to cockblock me for the past 5 years
Not as covert as you thought huh?
Dammit now I'm pissed. Its like I am torn between two worlds. A world of girls, and a world of people punching other people in the head. Both are just so beautiful.
I think I may be the only girl in the world that can say she has fallen asleep grasping a penis..... 3 different times...... 3 different penises
I think I'm leaving the streamers and balloons up from 4th of july till after he stops by. It'll be like the universe is celebrating his massive dick.
I suppose what I've learned from this experience is that sometimes you just have to make out with a narcissistic baby daddy to make a clean getaway.
just woke up on my patio with a mouse eating cheetos off mys chest. youre all assholes.
He grabbed a pine cone off the ground and yelled "I love cigars" then tried to smoke it for ten minutes.
i'm bringing homemade birthday cake and homegrown weed. how awesome is this text?
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