I think i ate a live goldfish last night. that i caught with my hand in a kiddie pool. my stomach really hurts.
Worst sexual experience IN MY LIFE. And now i know why it makes jesus cry.
I was thinking about texting her and telling her I had syphilis when I was with her and that she should get tested. just for shits and giggles. skank dahaha
Nothing like a little anal leakage to start off Sunday morning. Can't decide if that speaks well of my weekend or not...
I bought a dress specifically for face plant durability... this is how serious I am about my drunk status this weekend
We're gona eat taco bell and then take exlax and see who can hold it in the longest. Loser has to pay for drinks all weekend. You in?
It's like a toaster oven for my penis
Unlike bears, this weekend is not the #1 threat to America. It is, however, the #1 threat to my liver
Did you just send me an ass picture with a quote from the lion king?
What are you gonna do about it?
It hurts to hear and I can smell shapes.
I found your missing hash cookies. Fuck you and I'm sorry but there are only 2 left. I already had the munchies.
I've never had to kick an employee out of bed to go to work before.
Your aunt just offered to blow me for a ride home....how did you end up such a prude?
She swallowed the car key because she thought we were really going to make her drive.
I THINK HE DOES. OMG!!!!! OMG I FUCKED A GUY W A FAKE LEG AND I DIDN'T EVEN KNOW!!!!!!????!!!!!!!!!
Randomize
