WTF. you left me with no condoms and you ate all my mac and cheese. scumbag.
can you blame him?
i blame him for everything, HE GOT ME PREGNANT
Sorry you had to see that, but on the bright side...at least I trust you enough to have sex in front of you
You kept saying,"there's a seahorse in my stomach, who's trying escape". This was after the curtains attacked you.
This will be the 3rd time you have blacked out and lost your phone only to have some kind stranger find it, charge it, call me, then mail it back to you. Your luck amazes me...
Congratulations on your lack of fetus.
oh my god. picked the worst day ever to not wear underwear...
I'm just gonna stop you right there because there is, in fact, no such thing.
I'm not gonna lie, my internet creeping skills scare me. I'm like Liam Neeson in Taken
In Punta Cana for my bachelor trip, hopefully tomorrow my passport is blacklisted
I got her number but I don't think I'll be able to smash, I was pretending to be British AND I forgot her name
He couldn't undo my bra. He ended up breaking the clasp he clawed at it so long. We met on Tinder for God sake
Not bad. Ran into Carlo. He shared a story about a sailor who got gonorrhea in his eye. It made me feel better about myself.
I think I was just recruited to join a religious lesbian cult by these 3 really pretty girls and I'm tempted to join
Nothing like casual arson to brighten your day
And it only took a fake engagement ring, a condom and a bowl of weed
Randomize
