This guy in church just had a prayer request to help him get through his hangover. He is my new hero.
I think one day, after evolution kicks in, my sons will thank me for having a 3rd ball. That's how much sex I'm having.
Nobody has ever asked me for my honest opinion on whether they needed anal bleaching before
i wish you were under my bed. you sexy russian fur trapper.
please. text the right number. youve been sending me these all night.
Apparently my downstairs neighbors don't much appreciate it when I do drunk aerobics at 3am on a Wednesday...
He came home all fucked up crying slammed his bedroom door and all we could hear for about three hours was THIS ISN'T GONA RUIN MYLIFe what happend
I told him I got this chick pregnant and he has to get a new wingman
Finished sriting an apology letter to my liver 2 weeks before st. Patricks game on
Might as well permanently tattoo lush somewhere on my body and show it to people when I decide to drink so they won't serve me.
alll i remember is comming back downstairs, his pants were off and he was aplauding me
After last night, I think I need a service animal to monitor the life choices I make when I'm inebriated. A monkey, or a clever dog. Or a really assertive parrot.
DROP EVERYTHING! Gatta go get tested for herpes, lets make an adventure out of it.
I was just wicked nice to a telemarketer... that's how stoned this woman got me.
Do me a favor and scream dirty things at him in a polite sexy, come hither way
Hold on I'll be right there, I can't find my arm.
I have just discovered the land of milk and honey. and by milk i mean vodka and by honey i mean tequila.
Randomize
