There is a girl getting fingered on my left, a middle aged drink man smoking a bong and two girls flashing the cameras in front of me. I'm in the middle trying to maintain my innocence.
i had a dream last night that you and i organized a foursome. swear to god
ps i'll be in miami in early july. this text has no relation to the last one
If I were a woman I'd fill my water bra with liquor so that I could sip on it throughout the day.
She told me I reminded her of the fair. And she wanted to deep fry my dick and eat it.
when you agree to fuck a guy it does by NO means make it okay for his roommate to hide in the closet with doritos and watch
google maps should a have a setting for this. like I AM ABANDONING EVERYTHING TO MEET A GIRL WHO IS 10 HOURS OF MILES AWAY. HOW DO WE DO THIS OPTIMALLY?
At our floor meeting the RA was talking about bathroom hygiene and I really wanted to be like "what about shower sex."
Valid question
You threw a shot glass at the bartender and still managed to convince him to let us drink more. You are my hero.
He had a small dick anyway. I'm glad I barfed on it.
I don't care if he's the coolest coworker, if he's living in his mom's basement at 30 you should not buy drugs from him
So, I've discovered that I'm approximately 70% nicer to my mother when I've had an orgasm in the last 48 hours. It's science.
She said my mask was creepy, took it off with her teeth, and proceeded to bite my neck. I love vampires.
but next to his bed he has a bible, and on the bible he has a pbr coaster and a condom. how can i stay mad at that? Its amazing.
Weird. And pubic lice are now endangered so your hairy balls can rest easy
Staff meetings will be awkward since my boss and I both did the new intern
Maybe she doesn’t know you did him
Oh she definitely knows - it was a threesome
Please tell me you’re not taking life advice from porn scripts again
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