i'm going to rape that little man
omg not your brother
Dude. I just woke up without a shirt or bra on. Apparently I fell asleep with a quesadilla in my mouth. I can feel my liver hating me.
Take 3 tylenol pms and try to whack off before you pass out. It's impossible.
Sarah Palin just quit. Happy Independence day!
God Bless America!
I admire the strength of friendship we have that allows for sharing husbands.
I wish my mouth had a period so that could be my excuse on those days I don't feel like giving head
Oscar is the man. He keeps getting pictures of hot nude women with messages in spanish saying "i hope you like it" sent to his phone
whose oscar?
the baller who i guess decided to give out a fake number at the bar last weekend. luckily that fake number was mine. i have enough porn to last me until next month.
btw when he was trying to sleep i was apparently poking him in the face w my 'flipper' slurring random manatee facts
but I'll probably watch some porn later so it's not a complete waste of a Saturday night.
don't pay it forward
I eont pay shit forward. told a stranger to call an abulance and peaced
I woke up on your bathroom floor, i used your towel I found laying on the floor as a cape to get to your bed. I thought it would help me walk straight if I looked like a superhero
Too many penises have met your hands. Stop or die.
It was great. They teamed up to hit on these two frat boys all night, until the frat boys started making out with each other. The looks on their faces...
What did he say?
NOTHING. GODDAMN HIM AND HIS MAGICAL PENIS!
He passed out with his shoes on 20 minutes till midnight, and I didn't have a sharpie so I took the cheese whiz and filled his exposed ass crack.
Randomize
