The worst mistakes make the best memories. Write that down.
We stayed up until 4:20 AM. The next thing I remember was waking up at 4 PM, like my internal alarm clock knew.
You said my dick was impressive. You thank someone when they say that. My momma raised a gentleman.
i had a long naked conversation with the cop on why is everything fun illegal
Unfortunately, the Bilbo Baggins adventure side of me that likes to go on adventures appears to be losing to the side of me that likes to smoke weed in the bathtub and watch Workaholics.
It's 3 in the morning and there is a bird chirping it's head off outside. GOD DAMNIT THIS IS NOT A TIME TO SING OF YOUR CHEERFUL BIRD MERRIMENT YOU STUPID BIRD CUNT!
I think I just did my first walk of shame. He sent me home with a watermelon from his farm. Southern one night stands.
He just pulled his sweatpants down and pissed in the middle of our garden
There is a dude riding on one of those standing wheel things inside forever 21. Calm down.
Somehow I just turned an entire McDonald's bag upside down in my car and not a single fry fell out. The Lord really does work in mysterious ways.
I just had the polyamorous Canadian hockey player do the splits while naked in a handstand at my apartment just now. And yes, I know it’s 1:30am on a Thursday.
one nice thing about being home: no walks of shame, just drives of shame
Only true party girls take their birth control with Smirnoff.
He sang the chorus to “Inside of you” by Russel Brand in Forgetting Sarah Marshall as he proceeded to not pull out...
Honestly? I wouldn’t even be mad, that probably took talent
it is time to test the effects of half a loaf of bread and overconfidence on the human body
Randomize
