Alcohol only hurts me because he loves me.
I told him I'd give him a BJ if he admited Hanson was good.
i just walked into thanksgiving and three people in a row asked me who i was. really?
The mexican place next the the funeral home has dollar margaritas, our grandfather would want us to act on this... trust me i know.
Is there any way you can check to see if I have a warrant out in Alabama?
I wish there was a classy way to show off your boobs.
My body is being held together with whiskey, nicotine, duct tape and a little bit of hope...
I wasnt going to have sex with him until i ran into his gf at chipotle. It was like the gods were saying "Go ahead. Shes already had her burrito for the day"
They're re-releasing Titanic in 3-D. Can I interest you in a joint venture to create the greatest drinking game of all time? I think yes
It makes me really sad that some people start their saturdays running or biking instead of with 3 shots of tequila, a sausage biscuit, freaks & geeks and 2 orgasms.
so I found out I could dislocate my shoulders on demand while I was trippin on e last night...
I'm starting to think that Cosmic Steve ripped me off
For some reason she gave me a handjob. It was all very confusing
It finally happened my mom knowingly gave me money to buy drugs i knew this day would come\n
...okay, you can't just say 'masturbating llama' and not explain yourself
Randomize
