Joe is yelling at the trees again.
She told me that she faked her orgasm. Does she think I care??
soo I had sex last night and he wore a condom, pulled out sans condom. we looked everywhere and couldnt find it, even in my vag. so Im in the library at school and I googled it and it gave me "gentle digging" techniques, and sure enough, found it. ew. I'll be purchasing Plan B after class.
There's a lady carrying her kids toy animals in a crown royal bag. Mom of the year.
and i think we compared dick sizes, then high fived...
New rule: gentleman callers are required to bring me gifts of beer when coming over to court you. Tell the monster jam dudes so they know.
I've been drunk in my life. But I've never been "crying in 5 Guys at 1 in the afternoon" drunk
Okay. We're coming naked. We need Saran wrap and plastic forks.
I feel like I got run over by a bus full of inebriated Scotsmen on the way to a soccer riot.
Do I lose at life if I cry in a grocery store while buying a pregnancy test?
I can hear my family downstairs singing Christmas carols as I masturbate
If you don't believe in my fighting skills, I don't know if we can be together
I emptied a Vyvance capsule into my coffee pot last night and set the auto start. Pretty sure I've been drinking meth all morning
The housekeeper found my huge dildo under the bathroom sink, and another in the living room. I can't get much more single than this.
I deserve a medal for being woke up at 6am on my day off by your mother asking where your brother is
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