We just took the batteries out of the fire alarm to play the breathalyzer game. I love college.
Can you please check on Jay? He just called and left a Backstreet Boys song on my voicemail. Either it's 1998, or someone needs to go back to rehab.
everyone who works at gamestop is basically destined to live with their parents for the rest of their lives... so i said no.
Lots of explosions. Minor nudity. Full penetration and lots of tuxedos.
she would be the type to have more hair on her twat than on her head
she has to be all "alternative"
Just assessed the damage in the bath. Two love bites. One bruise on the inner thigh. Strange awareness of what i'm assuming is my cervix. I've definitely missed you. x
you handed me the dorito you were about to eat and told me to 'keep him safe' while you went to the bathroom
The usual. Woke up on a dog bed with peeps and $11.
He just sent me a picture of himself naked while cooking pancakes and he made the caption "bitchin' in the kitchen"
Some dude with an OSU jersey just kissed him in the face in front of everyone. I should mention he's wearing a Panda costume. And has already been offered $20 for his suit by Plushies for oral sex.
Your first mistake was thinking that you could get through the day without drinking a single bottle of alcohol. Your second mistake was wearing shark boxers.
How many of my Tinder dates can my Christian roommate accidentally meet in the hallway at 3am before she's horrified and moves out?
Disregard everything I texted you last night. Oh, and disregard me hooking up with your boyfriend.
Btw I definitely had pizza sauce on my face, a painful hickey on my neck, and I just remember screaming SISTER WIVES because of the girl's 1997 jean skirt! Wow.
It's 1:37. You have 23 minutes to get your dick to the bar before I go home with the bartender... tick... tick...
Randomize
