My cousins just decided to make a catapult to spread my Grandpa's cremated remains. I love my family.
I think I'm maturing; i was gonna watch porn and then take a nap but i motivated myself to put my laundry in first.
I told her Billy Mays couldn't convince me to sleep with her
So I got a little fucked up on the punch, and made out with the family friend. Which is apparently morally reprehensible. I don't get that.
No he didn't understand the sequence...then I started texting him these texts with vagina strategically spelt correctly in jumbles of letters.
I am still STD free so as far as I am concerned I never went to panama.
Just be aware that next year I will probably try to seduce you to avoid going to the gym
Note to self: do not ride giant beanbag chair down stairs.
So your bra was hanging in the Christmas tree last night at some point I think
The sex was so bad. I kept sending people snapchats of my face during it.
Your anal douche was on bathroom counter. Now it's in dumpster. Not ok. I am mad. Very mad.
I just said give me penis or give me death. Some patriot is rolling around in his grave right now.
He was the highest I've ever seen. Almost had him convinced there are only three colors in the rainbow...
Just set the kids up with doughnuts downstairs so I could go up and masturbate uninterrupted. I am such a good mom.
if it makes you feel any better you looked really comfortable while you were sleepin in the closet, atleast according to the pictures i woke up with on my phone
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