I pulled my tongue muscle last night. your welcome.
Considering the last guy I had sex with was gay, this was a huge improvement.
Can't a girl send out a 4 pm booty call anymore
I got arrested for "public intoxication". Fuckers threw me out of the bar into public... i mean shit they have thirsty Thursdays. And I get thrown out for self serve Sundays plus a citation.
All i remember was you crying naked on the bathroom floor because you were cold. I got you a blanket and you kept kicking it off and crying because you were still cold.
A guy just walked down the street dressed as Mickey Mouse holding a 40oz. Where the hell did you leave me?
I really resent how she stayed home and ruined my plans to watch sci-fi and masturbate.
Oh, fuck yeah. I swear I came with every bite. Not even joking. Messiest meal ever.
Wow, thanks for ruining pizza for me. I didn't think it was possible.
Instead of a fine and a few hours in jail he chose to get tasered, break his neck and shit his pants
Tried to put an eye patch on while hooking up with a girl. She was not amused.
but seriously, if you see a redhead running down the street tonight in a carrot costume, call 911. He's tripping hard.
I put on pants and a bra for you and you never showed up. There is no forgiveness for that.
If you don't turn up on horseback dressed like a highwayman I am not having sex with you today
roommates are droppin acid, i really should stop them from staring directly at the light bulb, but their giggles are so enchanting.
How do you explain to your parents that you can't go to the library because you got banned for being drunk in there... on a Sunday afternoon?
That's $100,000 of quality education right there.
Randomize
