So after i got done, she went over and got out her gecko, I felt like I was in an X rated geiko commercial.
My stomach is making the worst sounds, probably because there is nothing but semen in it.
Because when I say 'You shouldn't drink anymore', she hears, 'I personally challenge you to chug 3 more mixed drinks'
I'd just like to give a shout out to jesus and plan b for making this day possible.
I told my dad that bagels were the equilelent of angels kisses and if he bought me one i would do a split
pretty sure if my vagina had a mouth, it would have been smiling afterwards.
When I tell my children how I survived hurricane Sandy I'll probably leave out the threesome
He's getting off drug court. We're doing a super-blunt with 50 dollars worth stuffed inside. He almost cried tears of joy when we told him.
"But puppies!" Is not an acceptable excuse for trying to drunkenly steal someone's dog, you promiscuous midget!!
I'm told I threw my cigarettes at the TV one by one Shouting about the cast of Community.
I'm full of champagne and rage, of course I'm showing up at his house.
Heat not working dressed like an eskimo. A real one with a ski sock on my junk
I told him I just left the convent and really wanted a man. He fell for it. Sure beats telling him I'm a nympho stalker that followed him to the bar when I saw his beard.
hey sorry i didnt call i just got out of jail, so you still dtf ?
I didn't really break out of the friend zone, as much as I blasted the doors off with high explosives and rode through on a grizzly bear...
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