I have a feeling we are going to become cougars together.
Dude, the girl next to me just farted. Worst part, it smells like astroglide
last night i was so high that when a homeless person asked me for a dollar, i responded: dolla dolla bill ya'll.
Getting a high five from your dog when you're stoned is one the greatest rewards of being a pet owner.
should we take a power nap before our cocaine gets here?
I don't think he understands the importance of corndogs. Or condoms for that matter.
In the midst of you puking your guts out, you stopped, looked at the globe in front of you and whispered "America.."
That night just went downhill after you pissed yourself while sitting on my lap
I've never been more scared for my virginity in my life. And I lost my virginity almost 6 years ago.
Question. There's no better feeling than clean shaven balls. Do girls get that too?
I'm still, like... really stoked about not having any STDs
New low: uploading my contacts into Facebook in an attempt to get the name of the girl I brought home last night.
Woke up with a lip tattoo that says "fake news" in case you're wondering about my wellbeing
I don't even know if he's actually hot or just hot because he plays hockey..
You did not just say that.
you were screaming "I don't need a shirt!" repeatedly while in the process of taking it off and flashing the bouncer. we got kicked out. thanks a lot.
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