i just told my mom tuesday boozeday rhymes so that she can remember not to text or call me on wednesday mornings
youre going to kill that woman one of these days
Sorry about your blender, your tiolet, your weed, and your dog...
I'm eager to hear this explaination.
I'm paying a homeless guy $20 to follow me around bars tonight with a boombox playing the theme to Rocky.
apparently it was the return of drunk burrito sex.
You sir are most definitely in. Better get your penis an umbrella as that bad boy is gonna get soakkkkkkeddddd.
My Valentine's Day plans just drastically changed... My F buddy just ran into my gf...in my driveway.
bro, your right, i shouldn't feel embarrassed about taking shots from a penis-shaped ice sculpture
If I have to go to the hospital, at least put my pants back on. It's been a fantastic night.
I really dont wanna go to a traffic light party. I have nothing red to pretend I'm taken with. Without something red my "my girlfriend is away in the mines" story wont work.
You woke up, mumbled something about forgetting to lock the truck at work, slapped my ass, then passed out again...
Dressing as mugato from zoolander Halloween you may want to be the hand model. We can get you a fish bowl filled with Clementine Vodka and soda you can put your hand in.
What is the proper Father's Day protocol when you're sleeping with a guy who has kids?
Should I wear my "kiss me I'm highrish" shirt for my drug screen today?
just so you know they found you begging for money at the L station. What the fuck did you drink last night?
so i might have slept on your bathroom floor last night...
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