Do you realize that Last night you pissed in my closet and then walked to the bathroom to wash your hands?
I wish life was like dora the explorer where dancing pigs appear out of nowhere to solve your problems for you
FYI: Do not ever call any girl a thundercunt as a form of dirty talk.
Was just shown the photos from a professional photoshoot my aunt had for their dog...not drunk enough for this...
It's not just about fucking anymore... We decided we're actually in like now..
I'm considering telling her about my dream where I made a sex tape with her boyfriend. you know to test our friendship
hey, you wanna get together over coffee or something?
is this code for 'i just got broke up with and i need a sympathy dicking'?
how did you know?
I told him to keep his feelings in his pants because they're annoying and to just fuck me.
You want a summary? Scottish women that start drinking at 7 am. Cherries soaked in moonshine. Japanese beer. Old men smoking stuff that I'm pretty sure is illegal here and in Japan. One is doing a karaoke striptease. There's your summary.
I think the closest to heaven you can get in this world is your morning dump after a night of Molly
I swear, the cow we tried to tip tried to eat me. and all I could think was, oh how the tables have turned. worst trip ever
You told her you double majored in Geology and Telekinesis. When has that line ever worked for you?
I'd cum everywhere if I could have chicken nuggets right now
Would it be weird if I bought knee pads and shin guards to fuck in my car?
Your Saturday night was spent at the opera, mine was spent exchanging naked pics with a hot middle aged man that is so ripped that he looks like he's photoshopped. This is why we're blood sisters. We balance each other out.
I hate you so hard.
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