hey, can i borrow that thing you never use?
what?
your penis
We took up a collection and paid her $50 to eat a piece of meat. Vegetarian morals trumped once again by cash.
it never fails, everytime he manages to fuck my earrings out of my ears.
could you please not use my mortar and pestal for its intended purpose? i just snorted cracked black pepper.
You're the only true friend I have, if true friendship is based off who would be there for me at 4am during a boxed wine crisis.
I'm like a magical alcohol dispenser. I pulled this kahlua out of my vagina.
You know he really cares when he gives you one of those on-the-go toothbrushes for your walk of shame before running to work
I found my hair extensions. They were in my hamper.
My tweets this weekend consisted of me telling every bar I went to that they were my favorite valentine. I've never felt like more of an alcoholic
It took years to build this empire of casual fuckings and not carings.
He didn't get how "starting a flash flood in my thunderhole" was a sexy euphemism. Deal breaker.
You dove at him but passed out mid dive. Shame it wasnt a costume party your superman suit wouldve been clutch in the situation
I managed all three standard threesome configurations a female-bodied person can achieve in just under nine years. I want to high-five everyone involved, but I've lost touch with a couple of them
You weren't singing into a microphone in front of an audience. You were screaming into your fist in the check-out aisle in Walmart.
Crop dusting thru forever 21
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