it doesn't get any better than taco bell and soft core porn
feel weird hangin out with you now that i've eaten your sister out
Currently looking for a new liver on ebay. Struggle.
Thats two for two birthdays where I've gotten the "alcoholism runs in the family" speech
also I just used a straw to drink the juice out of a tomato b/c I forgot how to bite.
I just got a whiff of tequila through the air conditioner.
He was having trouble staying hard then just stopped mid-sex and said "it's overheating" while pointing to his dick.
I'm thinking about wearing a strap-on just to freak him out the next time he pulls my pants off.
I wanna get freshman fucked up and do shady things on the last Friday of my youth.
You won't wear your Santa suit, I can't get trashed, and you won't use handcuffs! This is the worst Christmas EVER.
My high school reunion is Thursday so I need to find an outfit that says "Haha, you got fat and I got tits. Suck it, bitches."
Just to let you know... If you ever want to get me a gift, the One Direction perfume comes out soon....... It's called Our Moment. It's an appropriate gift for a 25 year old woman.
I plan on blacking out and milking a cow
so in addition to the two guys I slept with last night, and the third that I turned down this morning, a fourth has appeared. best Valentine's Day ever.
I just puked in a chili’s bathroom... happy birthday to me
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