it was like she wanted to be a once a week night stand
did you mean anything you said last night? i just wnna know
no
my mom just informed me that im way nicer when im high and offered to supply my weed until our house guests leave.
does that include her cleaning your bowl?
You just kept yelling at the cabby "I own this cab" and insisted on smoking with all the windows up
I don't even know why im sitting in this office eating a poptart.
When I was in the bathroom and wiped with a paper towel I found in the trashcan, I realized that this might be the reason I have a yeast infection.
I'm pretty sure when you walk down Broadway and can pick out people you've slept with.. It might be a problem. I'm leaving for rehab tomorrow.
Guess who just rode home in a cop car?! Your Fav flamingo
Apparently getting drunk at a philanthropy event and tweeting about it is "frowned up"
N I'm drinking this invention I call "do-it-fluid" I had a bottle of vodka that was 3/4th empty, so I put in 1/4th rum, 1/4th tequila, 1/4th whisky... it's definitely the worst idea ever..
Letting Freddy Krueger eat me out = HAPPY HALLOWEEN TO ME!!!
I already plan to donate my brain to science so they can attempt to fully understand the complexities of my existence
Let me get this straight. You stopped mid foreplay to shave your legs?
Um yeah. I wasn't about to shave them if nothing was happening. And I have HBO. It's not like he's the victim here.
For some reason drunk me always leaves sober me a banana in the morning.
I got dominos and had to stop whilst eating and take a moment of silence for how good it was
Randomize
