the only thing he could say in english were 'insert coin here' and 'game over'. i love spanish men.
I don't care what he thinks. My vagina has an open door policy.
My mom and dad are smoking a joint while lecturing me on what to bring and how to act in Europe. I'll finish this glass of wine and head over.
Dude Eric's high and buying everyone taquitos. How much room do we have in the freezer?
I tried to discuss modern art with a cab driver after explaining that I only had one shoe on b/c a pitbull ate the other one. Wtf. Call me when you can.
How do you think the people in my class would react if I ripped all my clothes off and jumped on him right now?
It is 9pm, let the ass parade to the bars begin
He made me sneak beer in the diaper bag... guess who is winning 2012 parents of the year
This is what happens when you live with someone you met on Grindr
My last google search is "how to build a flamethrower"
For breaking and entering. I think neighbor dan cared more about me puking in his backseat than the surprise of me waking up there
We should. Taco Bell definitely gives me the shits though.
It's girls night. No shame, just febreeze
Did you know that pizza hut has a wedding proposal box? And sorry for being kinda drunk yesterday when you got here
Nothing like putting a Percocet up your nose because you spent your night drinking heavily and can't drink water to make you heavily reconsider your life choices
OH MY GOD I AM DYING. AS I WAS TEXTING I JUST BUMPED INTO A MOTHER FUCKING DEER. I AM SHAKING
Wait...Literally? You hit a deer...with your body?!
I PHYSICALLY RAN INTO IT. I FELT ITS WEIRD HAIR AND I EVEN APOLOGIZED CAUSE IT DINDT REGISTER THAT IT WASNT A PERSON. MORTIFIED.
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