i cant text you anymore tonight, God gave me two hands for two cups
You convinced us both to take shots of jack Daniels through our eyes.
This is one of those moments when you do what I say or I come stalk you down like a gazelle.
Just drank an entire bottle of champagne for lunch. It's gonna be that kind of semester.
U took a sewing needle to his nipple
Psshh,
I was ashamed to still be in my green tank this morning, but there's a guy here in full on bright green pants and a green blazer. He looks like the lucky charms guy stretched out at drunker than usual. Now, I fade into the background.
Holy shit he's circumcised. His parents must have really loved him.
Someone just knocked jenga into a plate of cake. I'm licking off each piece one by one.
I think our prof has caught onto our drinking game. He burst into the room with a big smile on his face and yelled "essentially! Essentially! Essentially!"
im trying to look as sober as possible but i just poured orange juice and mayo into my milkshake.
multitasking: i'm now sitting up and smoking my joint.
If a raisin and a desert had a bastard child that would be the inside of my mouth right now
Best thing I ever did was get a dog. She's like a living trip alarm to warn me of visitors while I'm masturbating.
My liver needs me to go back to work asap.
You know that panicky moment when you go home with a guy and realize you’ve been there before?!? HAPPENING RIGHT NOW!!!
Turns out I banged his son a few months ago but the kids back at college so I don’t have to worry about him walking in while Dad has me bent over the couch
Randomize
