Do you remember when I jumped into your arms and you farted?
I just convinced a girl to drink my spit cup cuz I said it was dark beer and would get her drunk faster. I dare you to try something better.
im so bored in class... i just made a pie graph of my favorite bars and a bar graph of my favorite pies
i just realized i've hooked up with every boy in this taco bell
That's the classiest thing you've ever said.
So, during a 20 minute shower I spent 19 minutes spinning in circles and 1 minute licking the wall, and it was better than sex. I can't wait to do X again.
so why was i the only one who woke up with ham stuck to my ass?
I hate about 85% of people that I meet. I'm an awful person. In reality my only redeeming qualities are my face, my amazing scissoring skills and the fact that children love me.
True on all accounts.
5 am booty call.. And I went I need to gain better control of my vagina
Two hot shots of tequila for breakfast? Yeah today is gonna be a shit show
he's dressing as a chick for halloween. of course i'm gonna make him get his legs professionally waxed. how is this even a question?
We got to his house, cuddled while watching game of thrones, then fucked during the repeat airing.
You okay? Last night you climbed through my window and demanded I take shots with you and when I refused you took a piss in my front yard.
that's your fault. you refused to take shots with me.
That seems dangerous to buy acid from a stranger on craigslist
listen I need taco bell and an orgasm within the next hour. I'll leave the order in which you provide those things up to you
Although the guy I'm messing around with just offered to let me be his rich brother's sugar baby
Randomize
