can you have the cops turn on the gps locator on my phone...i just woke up in a Hooters uniform and I have no idea where I am...
Yeah, I tried playing the "see how long he can stay inside of me" game.. And I lost.
you know you made it when your beer pong table is made from imported italian hardwood
Brought 2 entire pizzas with to the bar, everyone loves us
Come to me. Jacob is confessing his love and all I want is a hot dog. With chili. Not love.
I found him with a guitar and his kitten in his room. He was singing a song he'd titled "you're a cat". Guess what most of the lyrics were...
let's remember the whole point of NYE: to drink antisocial amounts of antisocial drinks, become incoherent, ruin a carpet, talk to a tree, wake up with head sellotaped to toilet. The where/how is superfluous, my vote goes to a cupboard and a bottle of jaeger Questions?
Dude he's not responding... I'll take that as an unpleasant visit to the clinic
when I was too drunk to walk on my own two feet, he stole a shopping cart from the grocery store at the corner and proceeded to wheel me back to my apartment.
Then he tucked me in, gave me a goodnight kiss and slept on my sofa. I woke up this morning and he was making waffles.
he is a god among men.
This lumberjack with a huge beard is doing his group presentation in a dirty t shirt that says "I'm only 2 girls short of a threesome"
My biggest accomplishment thus far this summer is having sex 5 weeks after hip surgery.
My vagina was just really confused why you weren't inside it
Cause I'll toss Tabasco sauce in his eyes and yell "Cobra attack" and walk away
i have paint on my face i'm missing my earrings, there's a bag of rice in my room, and i have a purse full of monopoly pieces
Sorry. I was preoccupied thinking about penises
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