The cops found weed in michael jacksons house today...it makes up for the child molesting, I like him more now.
I wish we never smoked. I'm literally laying in bed opening and closing my eyes, just hoping a hot dog stand will appear in the room.
YOU CAN RENT MIDGETS ON CRAIGS LIST
I told you not to ruin your birthday surprise!
I just realized I used lady gaga lyrics in my research paper on marie antoinette
We totally just fucked in a closet. These vacations with his family are causing creativity I never thought I had.
Nah, I'm just going to keep fucking him until he realizes we're perfect for each other.
chlamydia ends and my period begins. this isnt real life
I was talking to a guy at my work, and mid-sentence he started vomiting violently for about five minutes, then he said, " great dope" and carried on like nothing had happened.
I find out next week of the Australian was lying about his vasectomy or not. Keep your fingers crossed!
I remember because you made a pirate noise when you came.
How many more of your relationships do I have to destroy before you realize sleeping with me isn't a good idea?
I just want to nap all the time and eat Chinese food.
So i woke up on a park bench... Using my shoe as a pillow, cuddling a empty handle of vodka... Yet I'm still in my living room. Someone please tell me why all my vodkas gone? I'll deal with the park bench situation at a later time.
I know you can't find me. Somehow I ended up on the roof smoking a cig with the strippers that are on break. Way too drunk to deal with this right now.
I consider walking to the bars and dancing my exercise and I buy doubles so my drinks r heavier so that's my arm workout
Randomize
