Well I think that's a good thing that I'm not full of someone else.
Guess what I'm doing tomorrow?
Becoming a productive member of society?
Sam. Come on.
an ex called crying about her current BF. convo ended in phone sex. i love emotional wrecks
he was humming party in the usa while we were having sex.
i just overheard a girl at the next table saying she gave up sex for lent
don't you ever do that...
today is monday, i feel like we should do something illegal
Saw my boss's vagina at that party. Hung over at work has never been more acceptable
We need to play Chardee MacDennis. Contact me when you have an available date. This is not a question.
While I was sneeking out of her apartment, there was a giant cage with a parrot in it. I half expected it to squak "hit and run...hit and run."
sorry for the random call. He stopped mid-sex because he wanted confirmation that I was really a reverend.
We need some Captain and Fanta. That shit will change your life. Sidenote, bring an IV drip to hook me to in the morning
My whole life is a joke
Yeah. I’m starting to see why you drink so much.
my mom just came into my room and handed me a news paper article about women on the verge of a drinking problem... i can already tell its not about to be sunday funday
You do realize last night you asked me if shampoo had an expiration date then cried for 15 mins when I told you it did
Where are you guys?
Drunk
Randomize
