guy picked up a cops taser, thing shot him in the neck, he went down and pissed himself, cop started laughing and hasnt called an ambulance.
My last google search last night was 'vodka swimming pool'.
He just brought me a wine glass. Full of Tequila. Ignore any texts after this one.
bottle of wine in one hand cigar in the other. 5 am. topless on our fire escape. and she cleaned our bathroom... i like his new girlfriend.
I'm pretty sure the bus driver knew how hung over I was and hit all the pot holes on purpose. I threw up into my water bottle.
By this time next year I expect us to have full time jobs that we can call out of so we can day drink on beautiful days like this. Oh, and grill.
In other news there is a guy at my office who I'm pretty sure will be wearing someone's skin as a coat one day.
I don't want to flatter myself but after the way he was looking at me today I think it might be me.
Also, if he asks how he's doing orally I can probably ask if we're exchanging Christmas presents?
Human centipede...with the teletubbies. That's what my nightmare had in it.
I don't even want to know.
Do you think it would be a margarita if you just out tequila in a sonic slush?
I don’t know whether to call out sick or call in drunk
I'm licking blood from my knuckles and I still haven't found my car keys..are you in town tonight?
We can use the Mac n cheese as the potatoes in our breakfast burritos. Problem solved.
Ever try to swallow something and have it go up into your nose instead? Yeah, I just sneezed bacon.
and eventually we just all took our pants off
Randomize
