I'm at a bar that has girls so awful looking even you would not have sex with them.
Well... I doubt that.
And if not, hey- I've never had a restraining order before, so that will be cool
It could be our claim to fame
Done. I'll pack a cooler.
did we decide the 'sorry about the threesome' cake was too flippant?
she stopped traffic so I could crutch across the street. Clubbing while crippled and drunk is different.
I broke the girls bed. I will not apologize about bragging.
So I paid for the taxi using pennies and hair clips, no need to thank me.
You left wolverine marks
I'm somewhere between sorry and proud
Volunteering at a homeless shelter a bum asked if he could lick me cause I still reeked of whiskey. Being a bumsickle=epic hangover
Would you judge me if I made John grow a bush while he is in Cancun so he doesn't cheat on me?
Yeah. It's just like I have his virginity and he has my shoes and where do we go from here.
Honestly I am too high to watch videos of you jerking off right now
This is Ryan, Kristin's husband. I don't know if you meant to send that pic to me at 3am. You may want to call Kristin. Neat piercing though.
THERE ARE NO EMOJIS TO SHOW MY SEXUAL FRUSTRATION
i don't like interrupting booty calls. thats just rude.
I don't wanna be 33 that's when Jesus died
Randomize
