I have a fruit stripe tattoo on my penis. You're the only person I know who chews that gum.
He wants to be 'in an open relationship'. Fuck that. That's the online equivalent of letting him pee in a circle around me.
if by 'bottleservice' you mean 'bringing beers in my purse' then yes, we are.
okay so using the row boat as a giant snow sled probably wasn't the best idea.
im not gonna bother asking u how it was... we could hear u through the walls
And it just wouldn't be a Thursday night without me having to cuss out a foreigner. The streak continues.
I've discovered that regular handcuff keys, sadly, do not work on real police handcuffs.
Trying to figure out what I just puked. Demon weed is salad. No more drunk buffets.
My serious response to your Cathy tattoo inquiry- Do you ever want to get laid by someone not wearing a Blossom style bucket hat? Tattoo accordingly.
I just woke up to a ten minute voicemail of you sobbing about the X-Men. Stop getting drunk and watching Marvel movies.
BUT WOLVERINE IS SO TORMENTED AND JUST WANTS TO BE LOVED
It's a good thing vaginas don't have taste buds
do you remember yelling out "insecurity makes my pussy dry!" unnecessarily loud at the bar?
WHO GIVES HANDJOBS AT 8 IN THE FUCKING MORNING
His exact words: "I don't have anything you can't treat with antibiotics."
while on the topic of showers...why is there apple juice in our bathtub?
Randomize
