apparently you CAN get banned from Nascar.
not allowed to tweet this cos she's following me but i definitely just got head in a stairwell of the university of chicago. wanted you all to know.
you lied. pity sex is amazing.
im gonna put my furry chinchilla vagina on her mother effing nose
It honestly wasnt my fault this time. i was in shock. WHO THE FUCK OWNS A PEACOCK?!
btw good call for not making out for a pitcher of vodka, this hangover is bad enough
Did they have a limo or was i just stoned?
I love you like a cupcake loves an overweight child, very similar to the mannerisms of a whole cake but personal, and minus the commitment issues, plus just the right amount of icing; not to mention the convenience of mobility, and only a smidgen of the guilt😘
We thought we were getting kicked out but then he started tickling the bouncer. Next thing you know the bouncers giving him a piggy back ride to the bar.
Tried to drunkenly hop a fence with my cast on to get away from the cops but ended up falling over a bench.. how do I explain those bruises to my parents?
I just sneezed weed. Kinda wanna try to smoke it.
I went through his pics. Will you go with me to get tested?
he pushed me in the lake knowing full well I had joints on me. that's drug-abuse!!
You fell asleep mid blowjob with my vibrator in your HAND. So no, I will not bring you pizza.
I told my manager that I would be coming in to work either high from edibles on purpose or tripping on acid by accident so he knows to check my work tomorrow.
Randomize
