I said I usually like going out for coffee before torturing someone's genitals. He said he understood.
No he exists. Who else tells me no matter how drunk I am to pull out. He's watching over me so my bastard doesn't get created.
we shared soup. that is literally the extent of my romantic life right now
only thing in my fruit bowl is 4 champagne corks and a jenga piece . Tuesday.
How can someone be so bad at fingering? It's such a simple concept
I'm just going to lay in a blanket cocoon of self pity for the next few months.
I offered to lick your vagina while wearing a suit... Pretty sure chivalry is well alive.
Yo, how much weed can I get for a caf swipe?
And in that, my finest lazy stoner moment, I used my cleavage to hold my bowl steady while I packed it laying down in bed.
He made a playlist to use during sex...that ended with The Ultimate Warrior's entrance music.
SHE'S PREGNANT AS SHIT, AND I JUSR PEELED A CLEMENTINE TO CHASE SHOTS WITH!! COULD LIFE GET ANY BETTER!?
I asked my boyfriend if he wanted a bong for his birthday but he instead asked for corndogs
the cheaper the better
He started talking about getting a puppy together. So of course I went down on him later
That awkward moment when you realize that last night you walked from in n out to petco, bought a mouse for $3, named it mogar, taught it how to skateboard on a techdeck, made it a home out of a trash can, fed it fruity pebbles and cheese, and then forgot where you left it.
Attention, i sprayed windex on me to disguise the scent of sex and regret off my clothes from last night
Randomize
