a/c is broke at work...just took my panties off at my desk and the janitor saw it...might have a date for later. let you know
Can't imagine what could be worse than pet-naming your penis, but I'll let it go.
Just tried to use the bottle of Sprite in my car as mouthwash to get the taste of puke out of my mouth- it's half vodka. Puked again. Thanks man.
she was puking red wine out the car window, telling me about how shes joining weight watchers tomorrow, not okay.
IM PICKING UP BLOW FOR US STOP WHINING ABOUT SEX
Just disregard the tooth in the plastic bag in the fridge.
Grandpa got a dui while riding a horse. This is what I need to live up to.
I swear the crows are laughing at me.
You my friend are stoned into submission
Opening beer with my teeth is getting easier the drunker I become.
It turns out my teeth are bleeding.
Full disclosure. I fucked the fatty from work and shit is weird now.
Had the best sex Thursday night then Friday night I met his girlfriend. The worst thing is we became friends like she gave me her number.
I don't really feel bad about it, but I legit just squirted in the back of an Uber and it makes me think how many times has this happened before?!?!
Hopefully they won't bring up last year's Christmas party. I kind of predicted my great aunt's death...
I was just giving a mobile app demo to a client, on my iPhone, when a reminder alert appeared across the page blinking "12pm: go home and give John head". You're an asshole
Hahaha oops.
You said you made a new recipe, but it turned out you just cooked ramen with vodka instead of water.
Randomize