and thats how i got kicked in the balls by micky mouse
he's having a long distance Facebook-coordinated power hour. the status update has 159 comments ...
Woke up to sesame street reruns and a $62 pizza bill. Never again. I mean it this time.
He didn't speak any English, but I think I caught the word turtle in there somewhere.
Why would he say turtle mid-fuck?
i like how i just referred to his pregnant wife as the "other" melissa and you didn't even judge me.
I think I just need to get a pillow shaped like a toilet seat.
I'm fucked up. I can't drink anymore. We stole a cat.
I have nothing to say for myself. When 2chainz comes on at the bar all bets are off.
HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO GET MY FUCKING CUPCAKES WHEN THE GROUNDSWORKER I HOOKED UP WITH IS LOITERING IN THE VENDING AREA
I'm smoking pot with a man in a pink suit, size 15 wide shoes who bought his bowl from a place called Chinese Bling Bling while I'm dressed as a unicorn drinking pumpkin beer
he apologises profusely for spelling mistakes in his texts but doesn't care about cheating on me. priorities
I never thought I would be saying these words but...when did David Spade get hot?
Even his sexts are poetic. He said breasts instead of tits so I'm gonna lock this shit down asap
On a scale of 1-10 how inappropriate is it for me to ask if Walgreens offers teacher discounts when purchasing a Plan B pill?
If you fucking touch my phone and text people, drunk or sober, ever again, i will shove a swizle stick up your pee hole.
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