Why did we buy the only spinning apartment on campus?
I'm fascinated by her cleavage. She has deep cleavage, but no obvious boobage to speak of. Check it out.
you stole their roomba and ran out the door so that you could 'set it free'.
we found you passed out on lawn and the roomba bouncing back and forth on the sidewalk.
when are you leaving homes?
it's 7:51. why the fuck are you awake at 7:51
I had a sex dream about Oprah.
go back to sleep
dude. it was a sex dream. about. Oprah.
He's stoned as shit, eating breakfast cereal and taking a dump. All while listening to dubstep. We may never understand him.
You just met him on Thursday, and you've already nicknamed him Golden Penis?
Fuck. I'm going to pass the savings right on to the strippers. It's trickle down economics.
Mystery solved: The table is broken because I had sex on it last night.
Just walked into McDonald's and a bunch of fat girls gave me a look like I just entered their territory.
Oh no, we smoked the revival weed. It came in a Batman bag. It hit like justice. And orphans.
Look at the picture I MADE him take with me...like why??? He's holding my foot?
Putting plan B on my parents credit card wasn't the smartest idea
We need to feng shui this bitch.
Autocorrect changes "sex" to "sec". I have been so long without it my phone thinks I made a mistake.
I told him I hooked up with his best friend. And then he ate me out. I'm just THAT GOOD.
Randomize
