My wife caught me jerking off, I had to tell her I was thinking bout her
My vagina is so ashamed right now. It won't even look at me.
I wish my new phone didn't autocorrect so well. People will never experience the magic of my drunk texts because they think I'm making a coherent statement.
if I end up fighting someone to save $15 on a toaster oven then something went wrong earlier in life
Eating Doritos is not nearly as enjoyable when I'm not drunkenly feeding them to peacocks.
Last time I saw him the sun was coming up and he was asleep in the student wellness parking lot. For some reason people were peeing on him.
And I really REALLY don't feel like cleaning cinnamon off my penis tonight.
I'm at the hospital waiting for my sister to push out her kid. I think I'll roam the halls and shame all the teenage mothers.
Im invoking the "no judgements" clause of our friendship.
My god, what have you done?
I went out to have a smoke, and next thing I know, he's got me bent over a picnic table praying to deities I don't believe in. You should have been there.
ugh I gave him morning sex and he doesn't even text me back for my bagel order
I ate a hotdog off the ground last night.
My concern for you and peanut butter is the reason I am still awake.
She'd probably like you more if you'd stop fucking her husband.
I’m literally lecturing this class on professionalism, while my body is undoubtably covered in leftover cum from last night. I’m a fucking role model.
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