We had two amazing nights in a row...it was so weird...I couldn't even go to sleep cause I thought maybe it was just in his plot to kill me.
I'm pretty sure I have jizz on the back of the dress I wore to church. Awesome.
I'm drunk at The Bachelor casting call in Cleveland
I cherish every text you send me
Talking to this girl is like playing minesweeper on hard. There's red flags everywhere.
That weatherman I hooked up with is on TV again
She woke up laying on my kitchen floor, ketchup bottle as her pillow, in front of my fridge.
handjobs have no place on a baseball diamond
THC water in my coffee on the way to work. How's your Tuesday?
Before we rave about the healing powers of your penis, remember it nearly killed me as well.
You fed me pizza off a sword last night.
we def had a heart to heart that turned into a BJ last night
I just googled: how soon can I pee on a stick. What is my life coming to.
I just put vodka in my apple sauce. Spice up your fucking life.
I tried to find an emoji but none convey my excitement for receiving good sex soon
How high do u want to get? Just kind of high or yelling at swans high...
Swans
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