Thought you might like this. Had a dance off with an andy bernard look alike and pissed my bed. All in one night.
it was pretty much a given that i would lose my thong on dollar tequilla shot night
I woke up covered in sausage cart mustard and champagne
Dont eat ANYTHING off the floor at Matt's house. He likes floor sex.
This wedding is gonna be a disaster. I already had to turn down one of the groomsmen who offered me $100 to sleep with him next wknd.
Too low?
Yes.
Remember that night I drank a bunch of vodka, pounded your Jameson because 'you were a pussy', punched you in the face and ran off as fast as my high heels could go? It was just my Russian and Irish sides fighting for genetic dominance
Dave used his AAA card to get my car towed to my house so I could get drunk. Evil genius.
so let me get this straight... she's showing a cameltoe that can be seen from the space station and I'm NOT supposed to stare?
We fired a shoe out of a medieval cannon. I know not where we got either one.
What type of condoms do you get ? Oh and do you want a slurpee while I'm here
Idk how I even got accepted into college because literally the only things my brain ever thinks about are YouTube videos of baby animals and sex.
I found a bar with Metallica and a fire eater. I'm home
Blacked out and showed everyone my nudes. They toasted to my nudes, and I got an outstanding ovation.
I woke up in his closet, with my shirt inside out and backwards, Rolos in my hand, a tortilla with a face carved into it stuck to the fridge with a magnet, a homemade bong next to the bed, and the door off the hinges... I need a chaperone.
I want you
Nvm, now I want someone who replies to my booty-call texts faster
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