last week i woke up at this guys house...this week i woke up at his ex girlfriends
it felt like the flash was giving me a handjob
I developed a drinking game for WoW. Everytime I die, I take a shot.
Please get laid.
He picked me up from the airport wearing nothing but a trench coat and a bow on his dick
I'm making celebratory pizza rolls. They're a lot like regular pizza rolls, but without the taste of shame.
we got cut off at 8 am. He spilled his drink three times on the plane. this should be one hell of a vegas trip
I'm hiding out in the living room until he falls back asleep. If he catches a whiff of my tits, it's all over. I just need to play it cool. Babies can smell fear
I figure that my generation of my family needs an alcoholic. I'll take that burden.
female sloths literally scream when they want sex and can be heard up to 700 meters away
i think i might be a female sloth
We can't go back there. Ever. No context required, just know it's true.
Please tell your sister I apologize about saying her baby may have beef curtains. That was inappropriate.
There's a potato with a bite taken out of it in the kitchen
When I came out of the bathroom you were naked dead asleep on the couch but your dick was still rock hard standing straight up. I almost took a pic. It was impressive.
Truth be told it's significantly easier to get over someone when they file a police report on you
She asked me to tell her the three words every girl wants to hear so I whispered "I play hockey" in her ear.
Randomize
