good news, i'm not pregnant. bad news, i had sex with ***** last night and i think i'd rather be pregnant
The girl in the car behind me just took a bowl hit. I miss college.
All was going smooth until he pulled a condom out of his collection he kept in a Cheesy Gordita Crunch Box from Taco Bell.
some guy just walked up to the bench i was on, backflipped off of it, gave me his number and walked away....i love this city
At least drunk me was smart enough to stash toilet paper in my bag before I started my walk home. Finally countless squat pees and wiping with grass taught me to be prepared.
I left myself a trail of jello shots, that ended at his door. OR maybe he left me a trail of jello shots at his door. DO I GO IN!?
Tell me right now I did the right thing by not fucking my sick gf at 3 am with her family home... Tell me my balls hurt for noble reasons.
I'm on my fifth cocktail in twenty minutes. I don't think I will end this on two legs.
i can feel the knowledge leaking out of my brain
replace it with alcohol - nature abhors a vacuum
I guess I just stopped wanting to rip his balls out and started being okay with him being alive. that's a typical feeling for exes right?
DO NOT SLAP ANYONE WITH ANY VEGAN MEAT PATTIES
I just added Tubthumping to the playlist for tonight. This is going to make or break the party.
You're like my little fucked up version of the groundhog seeing its shadow, only it's boobs and warm weather.
Is it bad I have to get shitty ass drunk on a Monday night because I can't adult?
So I don't think the seahorse breeding thing is gonna work.
That was random, even for you Mom.
Randomize
