I've been at work for less than an hour and have pooped twice already. That's what happens when you start sleeping with your roommate and don't want to use the bathroom at home anymore.
I don't know what's more sad: The fact that he fingered the side of my leg, or the fact that the side of my leg feels like a vagina.
I now officially know the distance between my two boobs is one twizzler.
I decided it would be a good time to smoke on one of my deliveries but then I got the munchies and ate a piece of the pizza I was freaking out so I told him it was our new pacman pizza
I have taken lazynest to a new level. I took a picture of the notes on the board instead of writing them. I win.
Found a pic of me suckling your nipple at the bar. Safe to say you don't want this one tagged?
if you ever get a chance to, fuck in a lecture hall. great acoustics. highly recommend it.
I feel like god wrote up a contract of my life, and i just signed off on that shit without reading the fine print.
We shaved off his eyebrows I'm pretty sure his fiance will be thrilled at the wedding
She tried to beat him up using a half gallon of Bacardi, instead she got tangled in Kayla's hanging bra and broke a lamp. She can party with us anytime.
Not my type. One of those types that loves that they're educated, could drink their red wine and have an intellectual conversation and have a wonderful time
An adult?
First thing that comes on in the morning is kanye's I can't hold my liquor. yeezus lives.
I wish to strangle
whoa there darth vader
he pulled my tampon string out with his teeth like a grenade pin yelling frag out! That's why I fuck guys back from deployment. They'll go the distance
MAGGIE IS ON MY COUCH PETTING AN HONEST TO CHRIST ARMADILLO AND SOBBING INTO HOT CHOCHOLATE. WHAT THE FUCK DID YOU DO TO HER.
Randomize
