No more parties with babies... I can't do that again.
He asked me if I "almost moaned"
Fuck. That. I'm gonna get drunker and make them regret they EVER put me at the kids table. I'm a MAN.
Well idk about you but my nose is all recovered for the weekend.
I hear youre working today. To keep you entertained, ive compiled a list of condiments that my dick has NOT been slathered in since last Friday: Relish, and raspberry jam. That's right.
Let's just say that the best way to get a girls attention is not to slap her on the ass from the window of a moving cab.
I just saw two homeless guys bond over the fact that they both use Crown Royal bags as wallets in Burger King.
I think I almost ran over some kid I went to high school with. Guilt factor: moderate to low.
I just started talking about how noodles were so good
Taking care of drunk people fulfills my need to be a mother
I currently hiding in an upside down garbage can please come find me
My dad accidentally texted me asking if I had weed...
Maybe you should say yes, and you guys can like bond or something...
We havent had power for three days. What else is there to do besides drink and fuck? I thought that was obvious.
I didn't know it was possible and I don't know if I'll ever be able to do it again on my own but he literally fuck me sideways.
the weird part wasn't waking up in someone else's underwear, it was how the cat was staring at me like he knew more about last night then i remembered.
Randomize
